Now Offering Mile High Club Memberships!

I love Flying. I do. It’s a miracle that it’s even possible. I marvel at the multi-ton silver missiles in the sky, darting from city to city like bank tubes carrying precious fleshy cargo, keeping as many as 60,000 Americans up in the heavens at all times. I see many passengers take for granted all too quickly the incredible feat that is our ability to navigate the Neato-sphere.



Meet my brother, Chris. He works for a Major Airline in Richmond, Va. He was nice enough to clue me into a little about what goes on behind the scenes. He also offers up some savvy tips on how to make your trip a little more efficient and enjoyable.

- Airline employees can make your flight a positive one if you work together. They can see you coming a mile away, and for those with attitudes, it’s no accident that there are no more windows or aisles. Impatient and ungrateful customers always get the seats over the engine or closest to the toilet. By practicing Gratitude even before you enter the airport, you’ll find yourself happy to be anywhere on board. Also, print your boarding pass at home. Every major airline now offers this service.

- When Checking Bags it’s truer than it is false, that fragile stickers encourage baggage handlers to care less about your items. Therefore, it might be better to write a thank you note to your trusty baggage loader. Thanks for the hard work and delivering me safely. Would you like a blowjob? Something like that.

- Once you check your bag, it’s likely to be handled by up to 15 people before you see it again. Double that number for connecting and international flights. And these guys are touching it all. Every bag. So be cautious before you literally kiss your bag hello. Keep those hands washed.

- But don’t be such a germ-a-phobe! Sharing close quarters with other humans will only teach your immune system to be stronger and tolerate more airborne viruses. However, if YOU are the one with the cough or cold, cover it up with a surgical mask. They are now available at all airports. Don’t worry about looking silly. No one will recognize you anyway. Be inspiring and considerate. (This practice is already accepted and understood in most other corners of the world. so you and your snotty cold can actually help start the trend here!)

- When there’s a flight delayed, the attendants are also delayed. When you’re stuck, they’re stuck. Everyone is missing something, especially families and hobbies. So go easy on the whole staff. If you’re good, you’re likely to get a free drink or a preview into the mile-high club. (Thanks to the sandy-haired stewardess of American Flight 3M-TA3.)

- Y’know those comfy blankets and pillows on the plane? Unless you tear them from the plastic, they’re the exact same ones from the previous flight, and quite possibly the 10 or 12 flights before that. They aren’t washed - only folded.

- On any flight, Earplugs make all the difference. Good bye engine noise. Good bye babies crying. Good bye screaming passengers in event of a water landing.

- Packing Tip. Take your keys, cards, and important documents with you on the plane. Luggage does get lost, so if there’s a precious masturbatory device you can’t live without, bring it on board. Also, keep a piece of paper in your luggage that has all your home and contact info. In case you lose your gear (or someone steals it) all parties will know how to find you to return the loot (or come find you for more.)

- Lastly, take charge and enroll others. After shooting the video to I’m Yours, I entered an airport terminal in Hawaii and found a super-long check-in line, yet no one was using the automated check-in kiosks (which is now the preferred self-help method provided by EVERY airline.) I went up to the front of the line and asked the attendant if the kiosks were working. She said yes. Then I turned and asked the 900 people in line if anyone wanted to use the self-check machine. The audience stared blankly with no response. Finally, a woman near the front deadpanned plainly, “We don’t know what to do.” She was obviously speaking on behalf of every other zombie in the queue. So I called my friends up to the front, we checked ourselves in, excess bags and all, and still had plenty of time to leave the airport to go burn another one down by the beach before going thru security. I don’t know how that enrolled others in the do-it-yourself process. But I sure felt good leading by example in that situation.

To everyone flying in to the summer shows, be safe and make it a good one. Introduce yourself to the other passengers on the plane and let them in on how you’re living your dreams!

Live High y'all.